Dude

It's been awhile. I apologize. Pretty much since my last post I've done a mini daytrip and worked. Contain your excitement for me. I know it's hard. Last Thursday the Buff and I took a trip up to DC for the day to be nerds and to visit his parental units. Good times. We saw old shit and it was awesome. It was a much needed day away from the small town, so I give it an A+. Now, as for the weekend....Let me begin my rant. I apologize because this might get long (that's what he said.) Anyways.
1. What part of I don't cook your food isn't getting through your head? Trust me. I'm pissed off that it's taking forever also because due to the kitchen being super busy, it has now jacked up my income because apparently you people think it's my fault that your food is taking forever. Newsflash restaurant patrons, these dudes cook orders for not just the entire restaurant, but they have pick-up orders and delivery orders that they need to get also.
2. With that being said, this place just puts out the food as it's ready. It doesn't ALL come out at the same time, but it usually comes out within a couple minutes of one another. When I say that the rest of your food is on its way, give it more than 7 seconds before you start looking around and giving me the stink eye like I forgot your shit. Like I said, it's on the way.
3. As soon as I put your food on the table don't immediately ask me for ketchup or parmesean cheese. If you'd be fucking patient it's in my apron and I'm getting it. OR, incase you didn't notice, I'm not an alien with 5 arms so once I put your food on the table, i'll get you essentials.
4. For crying outloud, don't ask for extra napkins unless you're going to use them.  I hate to go all hippie on everyone, but if you ask for extra napkins and leave the extras on the table unused, guess what, technically I have to throw those away because they touched the table and all your nastyness probably floated down on them. Don't make me be wasteful because I don't like it.
5. This one can also tie in with number 3. If one more person asks me for straws as soon as their drink touches the table....No fucking shit dick. The straws are in my apron. I know they're there and clearing you do also and if you'd let me free up my hands then I'll gladly reach down and give you one, but don't just assume that I'm going to forget and leave you high and dry. Fuck you. I know how to do my job you impatient rude person.
6. You're in Virginia. Don't just ask for iced tea. We have 2 kinds. Sweet or unsweet. Don't make me ask you which one you want. Same goes for coffee. Regular or Decaf. Options people...Be specific.
7. We don't have Mountain Dew.
8. Speaking of beverages, it shouldn't take you more than 8 seconds to tell me what you want to drink. We have pretty much the same refreshing beverages as everyone else. Just fucking pick one. I can understand taking a few minutes to decide on a beer or wine, but just a regular drink? Seriously. I could walk into a restaurant blindfolded, not even look at a menu and give someone my damn drink order.
9. This relates to number 8. Don't tell me you're ready to order and then make me stand there for another 5 minutes, because, oh wait, just kidding, you weren't ready. I have other stuff to do and if you can't make up your mind, I'm going to go do something else.
10. This can also relate to the above drink rant. If you're sitting at the bar and ask me what beers we have on tap....Are you serious? You can't look the extra couple feet behind me and see the taps as they are sticking out of the wall. I will go out of my way to make you feel stupid by turning around, looking at the beer taps, turning back around, and saying...."those kinds." I've done it before.
11. "Please wait to be seated." It means what it says. Restaurants go by a system when it comes to tables, so don't be rude and seat yourself. I don't give a flying squirrels nuts in hell if you come in that restaurant everyday and spend 10 grand. You can wait to get a table like everyone else. It's rude to seat yourself and then demand service. Go to hell. I have other people who are actually polite that i'd rather wait on and you can now wait, without a menu, because you decided to be a douche.
12. It's not cute to let your child dump shit out all over the table or floor. And don't let them run around in the restaurant! I have accidently hit a kid in the head before with a pizza stand because I didn't see them when I turned around. It's not my fault if you kid gets burned because you're a douchey parent and think it's ok to let them act like that in public. Teach them how to act or better yet, teach yourself how to parent.
13. People who order stuff that isn't on the menu. If you want to be picky, do it on your own time, not mine. You don't have to deal with the mountains of shit I hear from the kitchen because you want to switch around everything you want or you want something made special for you. You wouldn't go to someones wedding and then order some off the wall shit not on the menu just because. So don't do it here. Perfect example...We have a foot long Steak and Cheese special. Some asshole comes in asking for a 12 inch pizza sub. I said "I'm sorry, but I don't know if they'll do that, I'll have to ask." He responds with "Well, they did it Thursday." I'm sorry mother fucker, but did you see my face on Thursday? You definitely didn't. You know why? BECAUSE I WASN'T HERE! I must be lacking on my special powers because I wasn't aware they let you order such a thing on my day off. I wanted to throat slam this kid and the peoples elbow him, like The Rock.
14. Vegitarians. Get. The. Hell. Out. Of. My. Face.
15. This can relate to the one above about me bringing out extras once your food is on the table. Yes I know you need ketchup and I said that i'll be right back with it. Do not give me less than a couple minutes to get this shit. A. You aren't my only table. B. I have food up in the window that needs to be taken. C. There are people at the door waiting to be sat and I can't seat them until I clean off a table. So to avoid losing their business, I'm going to get them sat first. It won't take long and I'm not ignoring you or your request. We only have 2 servers on the floor, so hold the hell on. Don't treat me like I don't know what I'm doing. I've been doing this for almost 10 years so shutup. I'm not your slave.
16. If you ever shake your empty cup at me. I will ignore you and I will blow you up in my mind.
17. Manners will get you far. Atleast with me.
18. If you drink fast, just go ahead and order 2 because it's as annoying as a sorority girl when you drink your entire drink within the first minute that I put it down and then give me attitude when it doesn't magically refill on it's own.
19. 9 times out of 10, if you're food gets messed up. It's the kitchens fault. I'll tell you if it was my mistake and it usually isn't.
20. Girls. Don't be a rude little bitch because your server is a chick and you have a warped sense of reality and think that they're hitting on your dude. I could give 2 shits about your boyfriend and I don't need your dumbass attitude because I have a vagina. There's a road right in front of the restaurant, go play in it.
21. Servers are people too. We have bad days and we don't always want to be chipper and kiss your ass...Unless we're medicated or on some weird shit. No one that I work with is in that category. So please, don't make our day worse by being a dick.
22. Verbal tips don't pay my bills. The end.
23. Don't come in 15 minutes before we close and expect to get 5 star service. The guys in our kitchen, including our owners, work at that place 6 days a week for 12 hours a day. They want to go home, as do I. So either get it to go or go somewhere else. And it's not ok to stay an extra hour after we close so that you can catch up with your buddy. Please leave. We have lives outside of work also. Sometimes. How would you like it if I came to your job 15 minutes before you were supposed to get off work and then kept you there for an extra 45 minutes or an hour. Yeah. That's what I thought.
24. Last call means last call. You don't get special treatment because you're a regular and I'll gladly let you know. Don't give me any shit either.
25. When you're server is talking. Shut. Your. Damn. Mouth. Number 1 it's rude and number 2, you might miss some valuable information. It's very annoying when I come up to your table and ask how you're doing and you either, A. Don't quit talking or B. Ignore me all together and never answer. You're conversation is not that important that you can't give me the courtesy of letting me do my freaking job. Same goes for the rest of the meal. If I'm talking. Your mouth needs to close and stay that way until I'm done because if you didn't hear me ask you for a refill because you wouldn't shut up. Fuck you. Like i said, manners people. Manners. Please and thank you aren't that hard to say.

That's about as long as the list gets right of the top of the noggin. The majority of it is just manners. Use them.  I'm doing this job because I have bills to pay also so don't treat me like I'm beneath you. The end.